Hey, look, a wiener. You know, looking at the size of it, it kind of looks like a … oh, hi, mom.
(Warning, if you haven’t figured out by now: this is going to be a very sophomoric, suggestive post. I’m okay with that.)
More to the point, “wiener” is almost used less to refer to the edible frankfurter than it is a penis. I don’t know how we got to that point … well, actually, I know exactly how we got there. The shape of the food is almost exactly like shape of the appendage. It even has skin. But further down the line, everything became a phallic reference. If I have to give examples, I will: rod, stick, tool, banana, rocket, baby arm, and many others. Although I can’t explain how a male chicken became associated with that junk. (Ha. Junk.)
I was curious what the objects were that could have been called phallic, but aren’t. That way I can round them all up and ensure that these are not bitten by their innuendo-breathing brethren and themselves become penis slang.
Baguette. Perhaps that it’s French, and some macho guy somewhere didn’t want their creations to have that much credit? Maybe bread has an exemption because the “bun” associated with the hot dog represents something else.
Maybe bread alone does not a gutter mind make. As Quizno’s has shown, you need an oven with entry points and a name like “Torpedo” or “Bullet” to drive the dick point home. I’m awaiting their $5 Rocket sub.
Remote control. Could the buttons disqualify it? Or perhaps it’s such an advanced piece of equipment that turning it into slang gives the body part, which doesn’t emit radio waves, more credit than it deserves.
Yarn. Probably the thickness and rigidity. But the ball jokes, coupled with the fact with what the target demographic does with it, leads me to believe that’s the only thing holding it back.
Millipede. It could definitely be the feet. Not everyone is into that.
Stretch limo. The whole point of buying an impressive car, I’ve heard, is to, y’know, compensate. I don’t think a guy in his 40s who thinks his life is over will buy a stretch limo to try and feel younger, but maybe that’s because they’re rather inaccessible and hard to navigate. A stretch Hummer, on the other hand…
Cylindrical prism. Here’s one that completely baffles me. This is absolutely a phrase that rolls right off the tongue and can fit into everyday conversation. I guess I’m lucky that such an intellectual phrase hasn’t been sullied by dirty minds. Heh. “Fit into.”
In the spirit of writing too much on an insignificant topic, it’s time to update you on what’s been going on regarding the Swan Comment Tet Offensive.
Oddly enough, this morning an opinion post was made on AnnArbor.com by guest blogger Jordan Miller with the dangerous title “They’re Just Swans.” This rules out my theory about swans running the web site (for now), so this morning I put another theory to use when I mentioned over there how I had made similar points and sentiments yesterday on the website which were deleted. My theory turned out to be true, as that comment was deleted. Minutes later, I wrote “I agree with this post.” That comment? It’s in the boneyard somewhere.
Hours later I commented on a sports article, then on the swan article. Both are still standing today.
As an interesting development, AnnArbor.com staff are explaining why they are deleting certain topics. From the swan post:
Jacksmom, I unpublished your most recent comment because it didn’t contribute anything to the discussion beyond what you previously stated. Also, I don’t think Jordan was trying to make a declaration about all charitable donations, particularly since the first word in the title of her entry is “opinion.”
I wonder if this is a new policy or just one that isn’t consistently enforced. I could ask them directly, but that doesn’t allow me to WILDLY SPECULATE!
(Sidebar: I have never understood the “opinion” qualifier. You hear it all the time. “This is an ‘opinion’ article, therefore…” therefore what? The words have different meanings? If the phrase “pancakes are delicious” was in an article that was designated OPINION, does it change the context at all if the label was not there? Would any logical being have reacted differently to Miller’s words?)
So for the issue regarding comment deletion, I’ll consider the case closed with a dog-ear, in case it happens again. So far it appears questioning lopsided coverage of a story is out of bounds for AnnArbor.com, although I don’t recall seeing that as grounds for deletion in their discussion policy. Unless, of course, someone wants to pony up some reward money to find out what happened to the comment. Perhaps it was eaten by wolves.
You may remember a month ago, on an afternoon in which I had very little else to say, I gave you a hot upcoming preview of Battleship: The Movie. Fun was had. Hearts were broken. But at least it had some basis of reality.
There are no current plans to produce a movie based on the puzzle game Tetris, but IMDB is a wonderful beast on which you can start all kinds of wonderful rumors.
Hey, did you know they’re making a movie based on the video game Tetris? Isn’t that crazy? Boy, they’re really out of ideas. Let’s take a sneak peek.
* * *
NARRATOR: In a vast empty world, where people like it that way … their very way of life is being threatened … alien blocks. And the ONLY WAY … to avoid extinction … is to be very…
VERY…
ORGANIZED.
SHIA LaBEOUF: Oh no. They’re already here!
MEGAN FOX: What do we do?
SHIA LaBEOUF: There’s only one man who can save us.
[phone incessantly rings ... camera pans out to reveal a sleepy, disoriented man in a spotless apartment answering]
MARC SUMMERS: What the fuck do you guys want?
NARRATOR: Tetris. The movie. This summer, they’re going to knock …
Two CVS stores in Clawson were robbed of all their Vicodin and OxyContin, according to a news report. Which means that the robber didn’t get what he wanted, according to this note. How clever of the pharmacist!
Vicodine and Oxycotine are not as potent as Vicodin and OxyContin, but the advantage to those two is that they come in many different flavors, such as strawberry, orange, and green bean. Most addicts can’t tell the difference, and even more are disinterested in the difference, primarily because they’re too busy trying to catch the purple worms flying through their living room.
The police have reason to believe he either uses the painkillers or sells them, which is very plausible. In fact, I think I saw the robber’s online store at Azamon.com. Very impressive layout. I couldn’t get past the Captcha code, though.
You know that song, “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)”? What the heck is “that?” I mean, sure, you could look it up on Wikipedia and be done with it, but how can we trust the supposed true citation of Meat Loaf explaining what “that” is? He’s a rock star! Half the time he doesn’t know where he is.
So we took a straw poll of music fans who do not look up interpretations of music lyrics on the Internet. If you would do anything for love except “that,” what is “that”?
• 36% won’t put on pants
• 23% won’t take a paternity test
• 14% won’t honor the restraining order
• 11% won’t loosen the ankle chain
• 8% won’t divorce their World of Warcraft spouse
• 6% won’t hire a guy to stop him from blogging
• 2% won’t stop listening to country music, apparently
Don’t you just love Deadliest Catch? Aw, man, I can’t get enough of it. Who knew that such a grueling job would make for such riveting television? I can’t wait until they have celebrities start doing this!
In case you missed out on last night’s show and failed to set your DVR, lack a DVR, or successfully recorded it but are that lazy that you don’t want to watch the whole thing, relax. I have recapped the important notes from it. (Warning! Spoilers! Because you didn’t guess that already! You already kinda peeked anyways!)
• Some boats caught a lot of crab
• Some boats did not catch a lot of crab
• The new guy isn’t cuttin’ it
• The deckhands wagered a little bet
• The crew tried to get a little bit of sleep
• A huge wave crashed over the side of the boat
• The captain pined about all his years of being on the ocean
• The new guy REALLY isn’t cuttin’ it
• The audience feels slight empathy for the crabs
• The audience feels slight remorse for not working in a heated office, then changes over to Jon and Kate Plus Eight
Need to find out where it’s snowing? Need to look up the number of someone you call quite often? Trying to impress your non-iPhone friends? There are apps for those. There are also apps that do things you didn’t even think you could do.
But is there an app for everything? This is what I intend to find out.
The answer is no. (Damn, that was quick.)
Using a highly difficult mathematic formula that HTML cannot handle and therefore I cannot share with you, the following is a list of apps that do not exist for the iPhone that could conceivably make your life better:
• Hide your stutter
• Mask your body odor
• Find a restaurant with the touch of a button … that isn’t in San Francisco, New York, Chicago, or Los Angeles
• Find a block of text you like and copy it so you can paste it somewhere else
• Get this song out of your head
• Beat Gauntlet
• Bring your childhood puppy back to life
• Make Oregon Trail as fun as it was when you were little
Hey, look, a wiener. You know, looking at the size of it, it kind of looks like a … oh, hi, mom.
Need to find out where it’s snowing? Need to look up the number of someone you call quite often? Trying to impress your non-iPhone friends? There are apps for those. There are also apps that do things you didn’t even think you could do.
