The Layoff Beard

Best $8 I Ever Spent

Seriously, this picture is like porn to me. Without question, the 2006 ALCS walk off home run by Magglio Ordoñez is the most pristine sports memory I’ve ever had. At least until this next postseason.

This is my weakness, world. There are so many ways you could enslave me, render me penniless, and get me to do unspeakable acts that would make your children tremble for years. That was a fantastic home run. And I had no idea I’d be thinking about it when I went to Bed Bath & Beyond today.

Now, men only go to Bed Bath & Beyond with two people: your mother or your girlfriend/wife. If they walk into the store on their own free will, it is always an honest mistake, or that’s where the nearest bathroom is.

Sure enough, I was there with the girlfriend this afternoon, as she needed some kind of olive squeezer, or olive oil container, or something to do with freaking olives. I was just kind of mindlessly wandering through the aisles, waiting for it to be over. Every once in a while, they put a display of sportsy things like U. of M towels or cornhole sets, which I have to say is rather nice of BB&B to throw a bone to the men, so they have something to look at.

We kept walking. Suddenly a mound of Tigers crap showed up. There it was, hanging on the pole:

Yes, what you happen to see before you is a battery-powered bottle opener that, when used, plays a radio recording of Magglio Ordoñez’s 3-run* walk-off home run in Game 4 of the 2006 ALCS against the Oakland A’s off Huston Street to win 6-3.

* – For the longest time, I re-remembered this home run as a grand slam. I think it’s because I confuse the number of baserunners with Jason Grilli’s almost disastrous eighth inning where he walked three straight batters.

Do I even need a bottle opener? Probably not. Any bottles I buy contain non-alcoholic drinks, and they’re always twistoff. By all rational accounts, this was a frivolous purchase. But rational thinking can go to hell. This was — and I hope I’m not using hyperbole here — the best purchase I, or perhaps anyone in the world, has ever made. (A claim previously held by William H. Seward.)

So, if you need anything opened, I will gladly drive 30 minutes out of my way to provide this service for you, for the low introductory price of 75 cents.

Someone Think Up A New Baseball Stat

(Warning: Finishing this post is an automatic two hole punches on your Baseball Geek Card.)

Math is fun. (Damental.) And sports are fun too. Like peanut butter into one’s chocolate, or however the story goes, baseball statistics are like a mosquito bite. Sometimes scratching them is pointless, but sometimes it’s a sign to get the hell out of the forest before you catch malaria.

For instance, last night I noticed that Mike Lowell hit two home runs against the Tigers, and he didn’t even start the game. What’s more, he entered the game as a replacement for the helmet-throwin’ Zimmer-impersonatin’ Kevin Youkilis after he got plunked. That means he was a pinch runner. And only two other guys in history — the last being 30 years ago, and neither players you’ve probably heard of — hit two home runs coming into the game as a pinch runner. Thanks, B-R PI!

Clearly, that’s not a useful factoid. But the Moneyball generation of number-crunching general managers do understand the usefulness of them. New stats get invented all the time. (And soon, a ton will be invented.)

But here’s one I’d like to see. It’d be a more detailed ERA. Earned run average can be deceptive, as can WHIP, because hits aren’t always the pitcher’s fault. Likewise, when a pitcher gives up eight runs in four innings, that’s a bad start. But is it worse to do that against the Rangers or, say, the Padres? Is it better for a pitcher to allow a home run to Albert Pujols or, um, Scott Podsednik?

As I type this, I probably realize that someone out there has already come up with adjusted ERA and WHIP numbers that account for better/worse players and teams. Perhaps not, but I just thought of this on my couch, so I can’t be the first. But consider this a suggestion to those out there with access to databases of baseball numbers and the ability to weave baskets of geeky bliss. Maybe it’ll be useful for GMs (they could determine big game pitchers, guys who get the outs they should), or maybe it’ll just be another crazy mosquito that guys like us can scratch when determining Cy Young candidates.

Now Where Will Cecil Fielder Live?

This is probably as good a time as any to admit that I never got to see a game in Tiger Stadium. But just look at that place. Isn’t it beautiful? It’ll obviously never be seen like that again, unless someone carves it out of butter or spam.

It’s been ten years since the last season on Michigan and Trumbull, and the stadium is only partially torn down. A conservationist group had been lobbying to convert the rest of the stadium into a museum.

Great idea, right? Well, you must’ve been the one who voted against the other seven, who are in favor of tearin’ that bitch DOWN.

That’s too bad, really. But then again, look at the old Yankee Stadium, built in 1923. It’s comin’ down. Memorial Stadium in Baltimore was demolished. Fenway Park and Wrigley Field, at some point, will not stand anymore. The Tower of Babel? Termites. Dr. Wily’s numerous castles? They don’t even exist anymore. (Well, they never did. Those were video games.)

But it sure seems odd that the city really wants this ballpark to come down, just because nobody is using it anymore. Heck, if that’s the criteria for demolition, half of Detroit would be leveled. So I think maybe we should think twice before we..

..wait, the Lions used to play in Tiger Stadium? BURN IT! BURN IT TO THE GROUND!

How To Win 30 New Friends And Influence People

I think it’s everyone’s goal on Twitter to be followed more than they are following. That, or to cure cancer. (One of those.)

So if you’re looking to gain a bunch of followers, you have so many options, and a ton of them are golden by-ways to popularity. Be witty! Be useful! Retweet interesting sentences! Follow the entire world then quickly drop them!

Or just write the following tweets verbatim:

New York Yankees Boston Red Sox Baltimore Orioles Toronto Blue Jays Tampa Bay Rays Detroit Tigers Cleveland Indians Kansas City Royals

Chicago White Sox Minnesota Twins Oakland Athletics Texas Rangers Seattle Mariners Los Angeles Angels New York Mets Washington Nationals

Philadelphia Phillies Florida Marlins Atlanta Braves Milwaukee Brewers Cincinnati Reds St. Louis Cardinals Cincinnati Reds Chicago Cubs

Pittsburgh Pirates Arizona Diamondbacks Colorado Rockies San Francisco Giants San Diego Padres Los Angeles Dodgers

Per my experiment last night on the National League East, the following occurred:

Later, this happened:

Before you know it, people won’t be able to distinguish between you and Ashton Kutcher until they look at your LSAT score.