The Layoff Beard

This Guy Is Totally Committed

Everyone and their butler is going green in an international movement to stop global wa election Fraud in Iran. First it was Twitter, but now this guy — whoever he is — has facial hair that screams “equality.” It also screams “Giant Eagle is now completely out of food coloring.”

This week at Blogcritics, I actually kinda had temporary work, filling in for Lisa McKay as executive editor. I also found the time to dump out a couple articles, including thoughts on this ridiculous green Twitter avatar trend. There was also words (and moving pictures!) on Joe Buck Live, then on Congress and Sammy Sosa, and finally on Donte Stallworth, who eludes cornerbacks as well as he does justice.

In fact, that Stallworth story was so infuriating, it turned into this week’s Toledo Free Press article. Funny how that happens.

See everyone Monday. Oh, don’t forget to buy your dad something. More than likely, he’s done something positive in your childhood.

It’s Funny Because He’s Corrupt

The cornerstone to not being a dick in my Big Book Of People Who I Can Tolerate In My Kitchen involves having a healthy sense of humor about one’s own limitations and failures. “You take your work seriously but not yourself,” was one compliment a former customer once gave me. (I think that’s a compliment.) Having said all that, Rod Blagojevich, are you suddenly at peace with your abuse of power? Is everyone else?

There’s this ongoing play called Rod Blagojevich Superstar, and it’s gotten some pretty good reviews. But look at the bottom there: “Listen to former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich chatting with Rod Blagojevich Superstar cast members as he hosts a radio show on WLS-AM.” The hell? Blagojevich is talking to the actors that are lampooning him on a regular basis?

It gets better. He’s actually gonna be in the damn show this Saturday. (Oh, and I’m just now finding out about his Letterman appearance.)

I understand the need to perform image surgery in the worst way. But this is like laughing off a DUI. It’s partly the fault of Letterman and the Rod Blagojevich Superstar crew for allowing this man into their world, because the net profit will speak for itself. In a way it absolves the crimes he committed by circumventing his constituency and going directly to the media for sanctuary. Once he says, “look at me, I’m laughing, everything’s okay with what I did wrong!” well, then that means everyone else should feel that way too.

No, I don’t like this. He’s not taking himself seriously, which is positive, but he’s not taking his crimes seriously either.

Tire Swings Could Kill Your Children

Such notable killers located in your children’s playground: Metal poles (tetanus!), swingset (could break!), and oxygen (flammable!). The nice man hiding behind the bushes is not a killer, he’s just misunderstood. Fortunately there’s nothing that could possibly be troubling about a good ol’ fashioned tire swing, because they’re recyclable (green!), fun (fun!), and extremely endearing (grandma’s slurs!).

Oh, never mind. Tire swings might be dangerous. The Environmental Protection Agency is changing their stance from “not dangerous” to “not necessarily dangerous, but it could be.” Apparently there are some kind of chemicals that are in the tire parts that would specifically … actually, no specifics have been given. Just a general spooky warning.

“From everything I’ve been able to see, I’m not sure there’s an imminent hazard but it’s something we’re investigating,” said Michael Firestone, EPA’s head of children’s health protection. “It’s critical to take a look at all the data together.”

Know what I’d do? Hug your children close. And if you find a tire swing in a playground, shoot it to death, then sue the school. Have your child stay indoors, ensconce him in bubble wrap, and ensure he does nothing but play old Nintendo games until he’s 18. This should make him socially capable for college.

I Have A Job: To Mail This Letter

Every blogger loves getting tips in their e-mail of exclusive stories, but in this case I have been tipped by a very prominent member of our national government … by actual mail!

Senator David Vitter (R-LA) sent me this wonderful little packet telling me I should sign a petition that would be sent to President Obama, telling him to not to create policies that would increase power to “Big Labor Bosses.” He goes on to say a bunch of other things, but since it was three double-sided pages (and no pictures), I didn’t quite get to the end of it. Sounds important, though.

I’m kind of surprised why I got this from a senator not from my state or political party. The only logical conclusion I have is that he read The Layoff Beard, saw I was out of a job, and is looking out for me. I guess that’s nice. But I was never part of a union, and unions had nothing to do with my job loss.

It also enclosed a donation form where I could give lots and lots of money to the National Right To Work Legal Defense Foundation, which is clearly something I just have tons of right now. (Fact: I actually papier-mâché antique clocks with $50 bills.)

So I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Exercise my civic duty and send the envelope back to him with absolutely nothing signed, written, or donated. Hey, Sen. Vitter is picking up the tab on the postage, which means I have already paid for it.