Extended Thought ▪ The Last Refuge Of Phallic Overload
By Matt Sussman | Friday, August 14th, 2009
Hey, look, a wiener. You know, looking at the size of it, it kind of looks like a … oh, hi, mom.
(Warning, if you haven’t figured out by now: this is going to be a very sophomoric, suggestive post. I’m okay with that.)
More to the point, “wiener” is almost used less to refer to the edible frankfurter than it is a penis. I don’t know how we got to that point … well, actually, I know exactly how we got there. The shape of the food is almost exactly like shape of the appendage. It even has skin. But further down the line, everything became a phallic reference. If I have to give examples, I will: rod, stick, tool, banana, rocket, baby arm, and many others. Although I can’t explain how a male chicken became associated with that junk. (Ha. Junk.)
I was curious what the objects were that could have been called phallic, but aren’t. That way I can round them all up and ensure that these are not bitten by their innuendo-breathing brethren and themselves become penis slang.
Baguette. Perhaps that it’s French, and some macho guy somewhere didn’t want their creations to have that much credit? Maybe bread has an exemption because the “bun” associated with the hot dog represents something else.
Maybe bread alone does not a gutter mind make. As Quizno’s has shown, you need an oven with entry points and a name like “Torpedo” or “Bullet” to drive the dick point home. I’m awaiting their $5 Rocket sub.
Remote control. Could the buttons disqualify it? Or perhaps it’s such an advanced piece of equipment that turning it into slang gives the body part, which doesn’t emit radio waves, more credit than it deserves.
Yarn. Probably the thickness and rigidity. But the ball jokes, coupled with the fact with what the target demographic does with it, leads me to believe that’s the only thing holding it back.
Millipede. It could definitely be the feet. Not everyone is into that.
Stretch limo. The whole point of buying an impressive car, I’ve heard, is to, y’know, compensate. I don’t think a guy in his 40s who thinks his life is over will buy a stretch limo to try and feel younger, but maybe that’s because they’re rather inaccessible and hard to navigate. A stretch Hummer, on the other hand…
Cylindrical prism. Here’s one that completely baffles me. This is absolutely a phrase that rolls right off the tongue and can fit into everyday conversation. I guess I’m lucky that such an intellectual phrase hasn’t been sullied by dirty minds. Heh. “Fit into.”
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