The Layoff Beard

Michigan ▪ Michigan Schools Close In Fear Of Panda AIDS

By Matt Sussman | Thursday, May 21st, 2009

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Oh, they SAY it’s because of the sHw1Ne1 flu, but they’re actually mortified of the thought that one of the little children could have Panda AIDS. And who can blame them? The damn thing hasn’t been heard of for a couple months now. New diseases are scary. Maybe they’ve invented a new kind of pus or bowel disorder. Spooky!

The 175th reported case of a certain strain of flu in Michigan wins the victim a FREE OVEN MITT not to mention the burden of knowing that two days off school in the Oak Park school district is their fault — days that potentially must be made up during the summer.

Or maybe that person instantly became the COOLEST PERSON IN OAK PARK. How else in May can you pull off a five-day weekend? I mean other than phony bomb threats.

(If you see this strain of viruses on the street, please, do not be alarmed. Contact the nearest authorities and then wash your hands)

Oh, and once you’re all done worrying about the children getting sick, ClickDIRECTLYONDetroit throws this joyous nugget at you:

Federal officials have determined the swine flu virus is similar to seasonal flu and not as severe as initially feared.

All right, then. Not worried anymore! Now, go create something better.